Belly and the Disco Balls
by The Wammy Boys
Summary: If only IsaBellyAche knew what she was getting into... Oprah-wannabe's, fat cats, AlicexMad Hatter. Good Lord, spare the disco balls. This is crazy. CRAZY! And you know what the worse part is? She thinks she might be in Wonderland...
1. Paleness for the Lulz

**Author's note:** This is mainly a Twilight parody with bits of Alice in Wonderland. I'm pretty sure you'll find it OCC, which is kind of the point. Parody. P-A-R-O-D-Y. I have to admit I wrote the first half of this with an attempt to make fun of Twilight and with no traces of Alice in Wonderland what so ever. However, I changed some stuff up and now it's a crossover.

No, it's no longer here to make fun of Twilight, I got over that a while ago. I know the current fad is anti-twi'ism since all of the twiterds mysteriously died, but I find it very immature.

Total respect for both Stephanie Meyer and Lewis Carol. Speaking of which... **I do not own Twilight or Alice in Wonderland**... If I did, these characters wouldn't be so darn OOC. :)

* * *

Uncle Popsicle drove me to the airport mumbling about birds. He has an obsession with birds; that's why he lives in Phoenix, a town named after a mythical bird that laid its own egg from its on dead body's burnt ashes things or whatever. I rolled my eyes at him and dug my nails into the leather, scratching it just enough to make him go nuts later.

For those of you nosy ones, my name is IsaBellyache Goose, but I just go by Belly. Uncle popsicle is making me move to Spoons, Washington, the rainiest place on earth, to live with his friend, some Indian dude in a wheelchair named Billy White. And for no apparent reason at that. Okay fine, there is a reason. I got a few STDs, robbed a bank, almost got charged for murder, and some other stuff. Whatever. Like who even freakin' cares anyways? It's still not any reason to ship your only niece of to some crazed reservation where she'd have to do ritualistic dances and pray to the Sun and Rain gods. Not there ever was any Sun in Spoons. Well at least this La Pull reservation has a beach. I can drown kids in the ocean and everyone would think it was an accident.

"Okay we're here. Now you flutter off to the airport, ya hear Belly? And don't go squawkin' that big beak of yours to Billy, he's an Inkpentette. Now shoo, fly off my birdy!" Uncle Popsicle waved his hands at me frantically, flashing his neon green nail polish. I collected my bags and walked into the airport, trying to sneak past the security guard. It didn't exactly work but whatever. I was on my way to the green alien planet of rain-filled, sunless doom, no point in being a pessimist on top of it.

...

Billy came to pick me up at the airport followed by this smiley kid with long hair pushing the chair. Billy seemed cool enough though. He had ipod speakers in his ears, a sea blue shirt with a ninja holding a bunny on it, Ray-Bans, and he was waving his arms around in this weird way that was probably some time of Michael Jackson dance thing for the handicapped.

The guy behind him started running towards me screaming "BBBEEELLLLYYYY" I pushed him off as he hugged me, making him fall to the ground.

"I don't even know you, you blasted cannon-banana!" I shouted and walked towards Billy who gave the kid a stern look.

"Now Jake," he started, "How many times have I told you to not hug strange juvenile delinquent girls?"

I grinned. "Yeah Shakey Jakey. They'll achy breaky your face." I was still in the middle of grinning idiotically when from the corner if my eye I spotted a rabbit. It looked at me with panic-filled eyes.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY FREAKING HOW LATE I AM? DO YOU HAVE ANY FREAKING IDEA HOW I'LL EXPLAIN ALL OF THIS TO MY MISTRESS? DO YOU? YOU DON'T! YOU HAVE NO IDEA!" With that he hopped away, eyes on his wristwatch. I shrugged and straightened my pretty long white dress. Rabbits can be such hypes at times.

...

Soon, we made it to La Pull. When I arrived, I saw a surprise awaiting me in the front yard. It was a big red car with scratched off paint, no rearview mirrors, and a police siren on top. I started to scream at the top of my lungs and let Jake hug me this time.

"OMG! It's flipping awesome! I can pretend to be a cop and totally scare the chiz out of kids having outdoor s-" Billy cut me off, covering Jake's ears. "He's only fifteen!" I rolled my eyes.

"When I was 15-" he cut me off again. "You. NO! You eck ah aghz CUCKOO!" he punched his wheelchair violently, making his Ray-Bans fall off. I started to back away.

"Uh, I'll go check out my room." I murmured and turned to run up the stairs.

...

Today was the first day of school and surprise, surprise, It was raining! I closed the blinds back after opening as I sat up in bed. I choked, tasting my horrible morning breath. I rushed over to the bathroom to find it locked. Kudos to the bathroom-hogging Shakey Jakey.

After like forever, I got in to my relief. After brushing, peeing, and showering I turned to the mirror. I brushed my straight dark hair, getting out some of the tangles while I frowned at my reflection. Gods, I was sooooo pale. Ugh Life Sucks. Psh, I'm part albino, so yeah. GODDAMN ALBINO GENE! Sigh. This sucks so much I cannot express it in words. Ooh, maybe someday I'll find someone paler than me. Then I'd laugh at them all like ha ha ha.

I smiled at my reflection, hoping maybe there'd be some pale people in my new school. Mostly I smiled because I knew that no matter how much I complained and whined I was still excruciatingly gorgeous and would probably spark wet dreams in most of the male population. Ah, I already sparked some in myself except they were just so hard to play out.

"Oh jeez. Get out of the bathroom already!" Jake pounded on the door. "We have to leave for school in like ten minutes."

"Oh fine." I whined and wrapped a towel around myself, prying open the door. I tried to punch him but the towel slipped off a bit so I just held it up and huffed off to my room with every piece of dignity I had. (Which wasn't much)

Two minutes later I walked out in short leather shorts and some low-cut tank top. Billy handed me a bowl of lucky charms cereal. How flipping awesome! Uncle Popsicle never let me eat anything but cornflakes. In my happiness, I actually pet the sleeping mouse in the tea-kettle.

"Hey Billy, Why are you turning this adorable sleeping mouse into tea?" I asked ,concerned. "I mean, isn't it murder?"

"Nah. He's immortal. Comes back to life every time we eat him and finds a new place to sleep in." He answered, taking out the newly dead mouse and licking it's tail and throwing it into the giant tea pot besides the door. I shrugged and chugged down the cereal, waiting not-so-patiently for Jake to finish eating. Once he did finally finished, I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him outside.

"In the car you blasted pansy!" I said, ruining the effect by tripping on my own two feet. Did I mention I'm a complete klutz with absolutely horrible hand-eye coordination. Yeah well I've mentioned it now, so don't go into shock if I trip a bit too much. The last person who I told my tragic story did. He died of some sort of a stitch in his stomach or something like that. Come to think of it, Carlisle started an anti-laughter campaign after that. I don't get it...

...

We arrived at school kinda early. Taking advantage of my time, I threw Jake in the dumpster just to hear him whine about how he forgot to pack extra cologne. Ugh, this was so not a mistake I was making again.

I decided to look around at the cars, the nicest here was a shiny Volvo. Either this was some type of poor hood neighborhood -which it wasn't - or the people here were seriously cheep. I sighed and ran towards the entrance, tripping on a bush on my way, going flying into the air but landing safely in front of the front door.

In first period, this pimply, over helpful, chess club type guy turned to me and asked me where my next class was.

"Oh I'm going that way, Walk with me!" He said enthusiastically, "Oh and for the record my name is Eric. You're IsaBellyache Goose right?"

"Belly. Just Belly"

"Um, kay," he nodded and we started to walk. So basically that's how my day went, with people calling me IsaBellyache. I groaned, deciding I would see no cool people today. Or so I thought because just then this awesomely dressed girl walked around the hallways. She had on a brightly-colored _The Supremes_-like dress, pointed toed alligator boots, her black curls held up by a hippie hair band. I grinned.

"Hey. I'm Oprah Winfrey!" she grinned back.

"But you're white!" I exclaimed.

She grimaced. "Oh fine, you caught me. My name is Jessica. And I have dibs on Mike Newton sistah!

"Newton as in the scientist?" I burst into laughter, "What type of a name is that?" She grimaced some more and I tripped on the hall carpet. Fair enough.

...

She took me to lunch with her and introduced me to her friends. Last she introduced me to Mike, who wore a small chain around his neck with a dog-bone-shaped thing saying "Newton" hanging on it.

He smiled sheepishly. "Whoa golly. You're so pretty-full." I smacked him on the face and spat "JESSICA HAS DIBS ON YOU, YOU INSOLENT FOOL OF A SCIENTIFIC PANSY!" He nodded absently and continued to stare at my boobs. I threw my hands up in the air with frustration, knocking myself to the ground. Getting back up, I continued with throwing my hands up.

"Why don't ya take a picture, it'll last longer!"

"But they're covered!" he whimpered. Ugh, how annoying. I made sure Jessica wasn't looking then grabbed his arm and dragged him behind the cafeteria. I pulled my shirt off and unhooked my bra. He pulled out a camera, looking all wide-eyed.

I was standing there, doing the various poses Mike asked me to when I saw _them_. They were all super gorgeous and, wait for it, PALER THAN ME! None of them really noticed me except for the hottie red-head. He turned and stared at me intently and totally excited, I pulled of the rest of my clothes too. The redheads gold eyes nearly fell out of his sockets.

I patted Mike on the shoulder. "Who are those pale kids?"

"They're the Cullens," he said gravely, "we don't like those kids. They're super-rich, super-conceited, super-gorgeous, and total meanies. Plus the blond Evil Barbie, Rosalie, wouldn't sleep with me. Oh and the redhead's Edward!" He huffed of with his loaded camera and left me standing there. With Edward still staring at me.

"Oh I'm so tired." I sighed "Will you please help me get dressed?" Edward just rolled his eyes up and held his nose with his hand. Before I could get fully mad, I got all hungry and stuff, so I quickly dressed and ran back to the cafeteria to eat.

...

As I walked into 6th period that afternoon, the fan was on. As I walked right past it, Edward held his nose desperately and pretended to be puking with disgust. All the kids crowded around trying to smell me. I hissed and pulled some deodorant spray out of my bag. Freakishly pissed off, I sprayed it all over myself then aimed at Edward. I sent a blast right into his eyes, making him fall back in agony. I realized that was the perfect moment to laugh at him.

"HAHAHAH! Look at how pale you are. HEHE!' I pointed and laughed until my stomach felt like exploding. He leaned away from me and buried his face in his hands. Serves him right!

...

The last class that day was gym. I didn't have to dress out since it was my first day, so I was okay for now. Anyways, so it was then that school was over. First though, I had to go to the office.

When I arrived, Edward was in there, arguing with the receptionist lady. I realized with a start he was asking to get out of 6th period biology with me. That lemon-roasting, marshmallow-squirting, bumblelooba! When he saw me though, he acted as if he was the one entitled to be POed.

"Well I see that nothing can be done." he whined/screeched and stormed off all teary-eyed. Jeez, what a nut-case. What a _sexy_ nutcase!


	2. Hide yo kids, Isabellyache sucks snowmen

**Wammy-sensei no own Twilight or Alice in Wonderland. **(Say it with an asian accent)

**

* * *

**

The next day was pretty lame, except it was good because it wasn't raining. I knew what to expect that day too. Doggy Newton came to sit by me in all my classes; I didn't even know he was in all my classes! Pimply guy Erik mainly just glared at Mike. I heard from some trusted resources (Jessica) that he was planning a murder. Fine with me, one less admirer to please. Not my fault I'm such a glorious being (Mary-Sue), blame Wammy. (No blaming Wammy, blame Meyer) Oh and on the topic of Mary-Sue's, let's not forget Mr. Gary-Sue. Edward wasn't in school at all! This kinda worried me; he was too much of a know-it-all to play hooky. Plus I was really looking forward to laughing at his paleness some more.

I realized he was gone when I walked into the cafeteria at lunch and turned to look in the direction of the Cullens table just because I'm a stalker that way. The four of them pointed their perfectly glorious arms in the direction Edward's empty seat.

"It's all your fault!" The girl with the spiky, black pixie hair shrieked. I dwelled on that for a minute, realizing that maybe it had been my fault. I shouldn't have laughed at his paleness so much.

I felt myself get super-depressed. I sank in my seat and hung my head way low. Then the great scientific golden retriever Mikey-cuckoo-chan gasped and started waving his arms around frantically, looking a lot like a deranged monkey with no access to bananas.

"OH MY GOD! This immensely whiny girl that I'm in love with for no apparent reason is depressed!" He exclaimed, on the verge of tears. Jessica hopped out of her seat and grabbed Mike. She jumped on top of him, knocking him down to the ground. "NO! You can't love IsaBellyAche! You have to love me!"

I threw up my hands in exasperation. "IT'S BELLY!" Jessica turned around and snarled at me.

"Who cares? I'm Oprah!"

"Nu uh! You're white!"

She glared at me. "Yeah?" she prodded, climbing up on top of the table, "Well could a white girl do this?" She grabbed a vibrator out of some girl Angela's hand and held it up to her face as though it was a microphone. When she started to sing, all my depression was instantly washed away.

"Ain't no mountain high enough! Ain't no valley low enough! Ain't no river wide enough, to keep me, from yoooooooooooooou." My eyes misted; it was just so beautiful. She had the voice of a perfect African American angel. I felt myself go slightly lesbo at that point but then snapped out of it, I still had to fall in love with a vampire. What? It was my New Year's resolution, okay? What do you mean that sounds suspicious? Suspicious how? This is very delusional of you dear reader; I shall go back to the present topic.

Some guy threw a pie at Mike. "How can you not love Jessica? SHE IS FLIPPING AWESOME!"

Mike stuttered, "Well I hafta love Bella, I mean Belly, 'cause, well, she's the Mary-sue, and uh, well, I don't know; ask Wammy!"(Wammy interjects, Wh-What do you mean? I didn't make her a Mary-sue, Meyer did) The other guy wasn't listening though and threw another pie at Mike, followed by another Oprah fan boy. Suddenly, I felt something liquid on my arm. I turned to see the evil-Blondie Cullen, Rosalie holding a can of Dr. Sugar. I gasped.

"Blonde girls aren't this smart!" I exclaimed. She furrowed her eyebrows, looking all gorgeous and chiz.

"The blonde jokes don't start till Breaking Dawn you cuckoo-head!"

I gasped again. "WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?" I picked up my own can of Dr. Sugar and aimed it at her. Somehow though, she had really good reflexes, and jumped out of the way. The soda landed right splat on Angela who was sitting in a corner, grumbling about her stolen dildo.

I cursed under my breath as Angela jumped up demanding the name of the person who disrupted her peaceful environment with foolhardy liquid throwing. I raised my hand sheepishly; she grimaced. Soon my hair was a display of different flavors of icing. I excitedly licked the closest bunch of my hair and squealed.

"Red Velvet, my FAVORITE!" I started to dance, waving my arms around happily. Suddenly Alice Cullen popped up next to me and started dancing along.

"I like you!" She exclaimed. I looked down at her and she was so perfect! She danced like a gazelle. I started feeling all jealous and unworthy and chiz. I figured I should be honored to be liked by someone so awesomely cuticle. I reached into my hair and pulled out a vat of red velvet cake and held it out to her.

"This is for you." I murmured, trying to sound cheerful. Alice beamed like she was in Wonderland.

"THANK YOU! I knew you were nice! I just knew it!" With that Alice jumped on top of me and tried to kiss me. I was waiting for her to kiss me when I heard the hissing. It was the poofy-haired Cullen, Jasper. I gasped.

"OH MY GOD! THIS IS PERFECT! All you need is a hat and you can look like the Mad Hatter?" (Hmm, Wammy is slightly scared at this part. She thinks Lewis Carroll's ghost will haunt her for suggesting Alice and the Mad Hatter as a couple.) I grabbed Jasper by his awesomely poofy hair, absolutely joyful. Suddenly he started to cry.

"So you try to kiss my girlfriend, then you make fun of my hair. NO FAIR!" He ran away crying, followed by Alice.

"Wait Poofy-love. Wait for me. I love you like all straightly! Ya know I'm not lez, homosexuality isn't allowed in Meyer-land!" Alice screamed, pulling off her shirt as she chased Jasper. Jasper's big Einstein brain registered the fact and turned around to stare at Alice. They stared into each others eyes for a few seconds, then Jasper grabbed Alice and ran for the nearest tree. I tried to wave goodbye but they didn't notice me.

I sighed, thinking about how awesomely dazzling the Cullens were.

...

When I got home from school, Billy was still at work. He left a note on the counter saying that I was supposed to cook dinner and that Jake was bringing the groceries on his way home. I cursed under my breath; that blithering idiot! Jacob comes home with me, in MY car. I threw the keys to Jacob, and screamed at him to go buy some groceries so I could make the goddamn food.

After he left, I grumpily went up to my room, picking up a iGarfield/i comic because I'm just so intellectual that way. Suddenly, a freaky orange cat appeared above my bed. The creepiest part was, it was _grinning. _I screamed at the top of my lungs, crawling under blanket. The cat just crawled right in and tried to cuddle into my arms. I protested, trying to figure out how to get it off, but it was a fat kitty and I couldn't lift it up. I groaned and sat up in utter frustration, accepting my defeat against this stupid fat cat.

"What do you want kitty?" I asked irritably, this kitty was getting on my nerves.

The cat grinned at me, "The name's Cheshire, foo."

I nodded my head. "So you're Alice's cat?"

"No, I belong to Jasper."

"The mad hatter?"

"He's not a hatter."

"Yeah but he's mad, and he has crazy hair."

"Good Point," Cheshire thought on this for a moment, "You're right."

"So..." I looked at my hair, which has parts of red in it. (Wammy says this now because she doesn't want to write about the BellaxMike scenario in the future)

Cheshire started to disappear, first his tail, then paws, then body, then head. His smile hangs in mid-air for a while, but then the rest of him disappeared too. I leaned my back against the bed stand and start muttering.

"That was cuckoo..." I shrugged and made my way to the impossibly slow dial-up computer. After ages, I finally open up my e-mail. I shudder when I see I have one from Uncle Popsicle. It reads:

_Oh IsabellyAche, my dear Belly. I miss you so much! Why did you have to leave?_("because you kicked me out, estupido.")_I wish you could just come back now. I wish you could board a plane and flutter back here to Phoenix. We can go bird-watching together, and scrape pigeon drops off of roofs together, and make birdcalls together, and feed ducks together, and sing with the Mockinjays together_("Oi!. This is an Alice in WonderlandxTwilight, How did The Hunger Games get in here? Wammy you've literally gone cuckoo!")_Oh it just breaks my heart when I see your empty bed at night. _("I didn't have a bed, you bird-loving doofus; you made me sleep in the pantry.") _Oh my IsabellyAche, just come home won't you? I'm a mess without you. I accidentally left one of the cages opened and almost 11 of my precious talking parrots have disappeared into wonderland. Do you know there are freaky grinning cats there that kill birds for fun? _("Yeah, not just Wonderland. They're here in Spoons too.") _Oh and by the do you know where my blue blouse is? I need it for my date with that hot raven on nest 44. Ya remember her right, the cocky one with the green feathers around the back? Anyways. I had that blouse one second, then the other second it just fluttered away. It just is so cuckoo-making. By the way Belly, don't let me find out you've been eating eggs again. _(*is eating eggs*) _Fertilized or unfertilized, they come from a poor hen's hard work. Okay Good bye now, ya hear IsabellyAche._

_Love, _

_Uncle Popsicle_

I groaned at the computer screen, not believing the idiocy of my uncle. Everyone knew he left that stupid shirt at the dry-cleaners. I instantly typed him up a reply, telling him so. The minute I finished, Jacob arrived home.

"I brought some potatoes and raw steak!" he called from downstairs. I hurried downstairs in my underwear; Shaky Jakie dropped all of his groceries and jumped under the table.

"AAAAHHHHHHHH AAAAAHHHH" He kept screaming until I finally pulled off his shirt and put it around myself.

"Jeeshums. Thy scareth me, oh greateth Jakey of Shaky!" I grabbed the potatoes and steak and threw them in the oven, maybe something edible will come out soon enough. After breathing heavily for a few minutes, Jacob tried to come out of the table, but tripped on his hair(he still has long hair, 'member?). I slammed shut the oven door and burst into laughter. He just crawled out and started to cry. He kept crying and after a while I got bored of laughing and started to read a Garfield comic. Jacob still wouldn't stop crying.

The door flew open, clacking against a giant tea pot. The mouse ran out from the giant tea pot and climbed into my lap saying "I'm sleepy". It slowly shut his eyes one by one, and fell asleep. I picked it up by it's tail and tossed it into the oven, making sure not to wake him up. I then turned to Billy, squinting my eyes at him madly.

"Why did you haft make such a ruckus? Are you estupido?" I folded my arms across my chest. "Now you don't get any of the mouse; you only get steak and potatoes!" I yelled and stormed up to my room.

...

When I came back down for dinner, Billy and Jacob were both wearing suits and ties, holding a knife and fork in each hand. I tugged on my own dress; it used to be Jacob's mom's, but Billy let me borrow it for the event of the first time they were going to have home-cooked, non-raw food. I smiled and pulled out my delicious concoction of potatoes, steak, mouse, and hot sauce. They started drooling into their yellow duckie bibs; Billy burst into giggles of anticipation. I proudly poured it into their plates. They started chugging it down hungrily right away.

"It's... so... good." Screamed Jacob, running to the bathroom, already throwing up on the floor in his way. Billy, however stayed where he was, slowing down his eating pace.

"So Billy, aren't the Cullens a bit odd?" I asked.

"DON'T TALK ABOUT THEM!"

"But aren't they?"

"No. They're just all gorgeous. and pale. With ever-changing eyes. And happen to live in a place with no sunlight. And all have bags under their eyes. Oh and are all adopted but share these common characteristics though not related. Nothing peculiar."

"So you like Rosalie then don't you?" I waggled my eyebrows, slurping in my mouse tails.

"No. I hate all of them. Maybe except Carlisle. He's so human. And he shines like the sun."

"Well, Of course he's human. Why would he not be human?" I ask skeptically, "You make it sound like he's sometime of a vampire hybrid."

"WE ARE ENDING THIS DISCUSSION RIGHT NOW!" He madly wheeled away from the dinner table, partly because he had to throw up.

...

Edward didn't show up all week, leaving me completely depressed. It was all my fault! On Monday, I had given up hope of his coming back. I hung my head low and made my way to class, both Mikey and Eric stalking me the whole time. If the couldn't get any worse, it started snowing. I hate snow. I went through class, destroying every snowman that came in my path, attacking any snowballer who dared to try any at me. By the time I made it to lunch, I was absolutely enraged. I was in the middle of throwing donuts at a bunch of freshmen when I saw _him_. He was laughing with brothers and sisters looking all gorgeous and movie-like and chiz.

"Look who's back." I snorted. He turned around to look at me, and to my surprise, he SMILED. I screamed at the top of my lungs, and ran out of the cafeteria throwing my hands in the air like a deranged gorilla and destroying snowmen.

...

Fortunately, I had to see him again in Biology since he was my lab partner. This time he didn't act like I smelled bad, so I sighed with relief and decided to smile back at him. Bad move; that set him rambling.

"Oh Belly. I knew you'd warm up to me. I'm so happy we're lab partners. I bet you're smart. Are you smart? Oh I know you're smart," he waved his hands in the air as he talked. "Like, could someone as amazing as you not be smart. I'm going to fall in love with you soon, but before I do that, I need to know about you. Now tell me!"

"I'm a virgin." I said and pulled out my worksheet. "Anaphase."

"No way! You said in chapter one that uncle popsicle kicked out because you got STDs!" He pulled out his own worksheet. "Prophase."

"Gonorrhea. You know? Oral." I went on to the next slide. "Prophase. How did you know about that anyways?"

"The Cheshire cat told me. Anaphase"

"That big mouth!" I clenched my fist. Then I relaxed it and turned to the teacher. "We're done!"

He ran over to us, waving his arms around madly. "You got them all right! You geniuses. OMG! I am so, like, in total awe, dudes!"

Me and Edward both smiled at him. Then the bell rang. The golden retriever dragged my to gym class by the strap of my backpack, screaming at me to stay away from Edward the whole way. When we got there, he chased around the badminton birdie the entire time and I didn't have to worry about anything.

Soon I was out of school and in the parking lot, trying to get out. Suddenly, the rabbit reappeared and started running in front of my car yelling, "I'M LATE, I'M SO FREAKING LATE!" and jumped into a tree, making me start screaming at the top of my lungs. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward laughing like a giant crayon-high baboon with an extra platter of boogies. Oh how charming.

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**A/N: Tell me what I should do for the next chapter. What Alice in Wonderland characters do you want to see? You can include characters from Through the looking glass and the movies as well. **


	3. Joker got nothing on my ZOMG

_"We were waiting for you to load Belly. Your screensaver was so sexy but we couldn't possibly wait for you to load any longer." The munchkin turtles whispered. I held out my hands to them, sobbing. They were leaving me!_

_"_AAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!" The Shakey Jakey's scream was enough to fade my dream away. So I awoke, blinded by a sticky cover of dried blood on my face.

"OWW! THERE'S BLOOD IN MY EYE! OWW!" I screamed, hopping around. "HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Of course, Jacob rushed right in. I didn't really pay much attention, partly because I was kinda busy with being molested by webs of dried blood. Suddenly I felt moisture being sprayed all over me. Could it be...

"SHAKEY JAKEY YOU SAVED ME!" I hugged the fire hydrant in Jacob's arms. When I opened my eyes his were closed, his lips plucked up in front of his face. I couldn't help it, I giggled. I guess I got too giggly because he never stopped and the grinning cat and the fire hydrant and the dead mafia gang in the front yard and the mouse sleeping inside my bra. It was all too funny. Well it was funny up until I returned to consciousness.

*insert very loud scream here*

...

I kicked away a random corpse. Sad, he was kind of cute. Wait, what was I thinking. _I only have eyes for Edward, I only have eyes for Edward. _What really saddened me though was the fact that many innocent people died during these stupid gang wars. Like that one girl.. what was her name?

"OH MY GOOD JEESHUMS I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON I DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF A POOR DEAD GIRL! OH NOES LAS TRES!" I screamed, feeling full of shame until I realized something"Wait... I know French?" I cheered, jumping up and down. "I KNOW FRENCH! WHOOT!" I threw my head back and ran around speaking to everyone and everything in French just to show my awesome knowledge.

"Bonjour Car."

"Bonjour Parking Lot."

"Bonjour Road."

"Bonjour Edward who is four cars away."

"Bonjour car that is about to hit me. Wait, holy shit it's a batsmobile. Is that Humpty Dumpty. OMG I'M ABOUT TO BE HIT BY HUMPTY DUMPTY DRIVING THE BATSMOBILE!"

"Bonjour Edward who has miraculously appeared here in the nick of time and stopped the crazy van from killing me with his bare hand." Whoa. My brain.. Oww.

"No Belly. I was here the whole time. You don't know what you're talking about; you hit your head." Edward explained, his lips quivering all sexy-like. He wiped his nose with one hand and reached up the adjust his bunny ears with the other.

"NO! My head is fineeeee!" I whined, stomping my foot on the ground. Suddenly I felt a strange pain shoot through my head. "OWW!"

"Haha I told you!" Edward laughed. He then ran off to the ambulance waving his arms around. When he was gone I turned to the crowd gathered around. They all had tears streaming down their faces. I gasped. I had just realized something shocking; people look so much sexier when they cry. I started to cry too then except I saw Mikey's pants get a little shorter so I stopped. Abstinence remember?

"Belly! We're so glad you're okay!" Angela was on her knees, sobbing. I knew that's not really why she was on her knees cause Erik was standing right next to her. Oh well, I stole her dildo, I deserved her lack of care for me. Everyone else in the school cared.

"Oh mah Belly! Girl, are you okay?" Jessica asked. She wrapped me up in her skirt, poking my eyes with sequins. I tried to crawl under her rainbow skirt since it was so big and all except she pinched me on the shoulder every time I tried to lift it.

"EVERYBODY FREEZE!" Everyone froze, staring scaredly at the advancing figure. It was.. it was.. a police officer.

"Chief Swan! Did you like the Lady GaGa dildo I gave you? Was the voltage too high."

"No Angela, it was perfect." He turned back to everyone else. "I have an announcement to make for this entire town." Everyone widened their eyes, clapping their hands in anticipation. The Cheshire cat appeared behind the Chief Swan drums, drumming out a dramatic drumroll.

"I.. I... I'm IsaBellyAche's fiancé."

"WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Edward screamed, having just arrived holding a medical stretcher with leaping frogs on it. He tossed the stretcher to the ground and screamed a really high-pitched scream Fred Figglehorn-style screech. Everyone covered their eyes, running as far away as they could from the scene.

"THAT'S IT!" I screamed. "I've had it with you crazy electric boogalus. I'm going to go talk to my cyber pedophile boyfriends on Myspace. BYE!" I called, jumping over the fence and breaking into a run

"Oh he-ell no girl. You're gonna get yo ass into that stretcha and drag it to the hospital." Jessica screamed, running after me holding an ice pack. An _ice pack_. She brought the thing towards me, the sickly liquid dripping off of it like _drip drip drip_. It was getting closer and closer, about to make actual contact with my skin.

"OKAY! I WILL! Just get that thing away from me!"

...

I woke up to a bunch of doctors crowding around my bedside. I pretended to be asleep but I heard their conversation clearly.

"Oh my god I just turned into a lesbian."

"I've been gay ever since I saw Carlisle and now seeing her I just turned straight."

"She is absolutely gorgeous Oh my gods. She's even more gorgeous than those Cullen kids. Plus she's less pale and doesn't have bags under her eyes."

"I know! I'm in love!"

"Let's peak under her shirt!"

"Let's completely undress her!"

"Let's take pictures." I was really enjoying this conversation until one of the doctors yelled "Let's gang rape her!" The I decided it was time to wake up.

Yawning, I sat up. "Oh wow. My head doesn't hurt anymore."

"Eyes.. open.." A blonde doctor was staring at me drooling.

"Huh?" I asked.

"Oh.. you have pretty eyes." he said. His arm started moving towards me but he jerked it back. "STAFF! SEND IN CULLEN!" They all ran for the exit door knocking over a patients bed on the way. He started screaming at the top of his lungs, his legs crushed by the weight. I laughed, throwing my head back. Soon it became annoying though so I pulled out the sleeping mouse out of my bra and threw it at the guy. The mouse started scratching up the guy's face and poked his claws into his eyes. I giggled, seeing the blood poring out of his eyeball. Soon the guy managed to kill the mouse but soon after he died too. Plus, the mouse always came to life anyways so it was all good.

I was sticking the mouse back into my bra when the door slowly opened. That was the first time I saw _him_. It was like the sun was hiding right behind him making it seem like light was radiating off of him. Strangely enough, he wasn't tan or anything, just as pale as Edward. Either way, my heart was rapidly beating. I'd never felt this way before. I'd never seen a man that hot before. I'd never been so...

"Um excuse me, restroom." I said and dashed off.

...

"Are you alright IsaBellyAche?" Carlisle asked, concern evident in his eyes.

"Oh I'm fine. What makes you ask?" I smiled innocently

"You've been to the restroom five times already. Are you having diarrhea or something?" He was already at his desk, pulling out acid chiz.

"No! No diarrhea." I answered, sinking into my seat. Now probably wasn't a good time to leave for the restroom again.

"Oh I see. You need porn."

"OH EM GEE DOC YOU'RE A MIND READER! AAAAHHHH! I WAS TOTALLY KIDDING WITH MY MIND ABOUT ALL THE THOUGHTS I HAD!" I jumped under the bed.

"I can't have sex with you, I have a wife. And no, I'm not a mind reader." I slowly crawled out from under the bed, looking at him smiling.

"Ya sure you're not a mind reader? Cause you kinda got into my mind. And mind readers turn me on."

"Weren't you already turned on before you thought I was a mind reader."

"Oh I see. You're smart!" I exclaimed. It made sense. "And I'm saving myself for marriage you fizzling bonbon sombrero."

"Hmm... Okay, honestly I think you're very sexy. And um, I'm having a lot of trouble not jacking off." Carlisle explained, blushing.

"That's quite a problem isn't it." We sat there pondering for a while. So much sexual tension. Sigh. Suddenly the Cheshire cat appeared, grinning at Carlisle.

"There's an easy solution to your problem." Catty McGrinGrins said. He disappeared again, reappearing with a laptop. "Just watch some porn together." He disappeared and appeared with one of Angela's dildo's. "These might help." He then disappeared and appeared with my old gonorrhea medical notice. "Oral always works." And then he crawled on top of the bed, "Plus, you can always just make out."

"HAHAHA!" I laughed, pointing my finger at Carlisle. "The kitty's smarter than you."

"I suddenly feel very unattractive to you." Carlise snarled.

"Same here." I answered, tossing away my soiled underwear.

"Aww." Cheshire sighed, putting away his video camera. "That was going to be interesting." I picked up the dead guy's corpse and threw it at Cheshire. "GO AWAY PERVERTED KITTY!"

"ZOMG! That kitty is totally pervy! He was watching me take a shower yesterday." I turned to the doorway to see Edward.

"Oh hi Eddie. I've been meaning to talk to you." I smiled, grabbing him by the tie and dragging him into the bathroom.

"E-eddie?"

...

"You're not human!" I exclaimed.

"What makes you think that?" he asked, polishing his fangs.

"You have bags under your eyes." I answered. I mean, it was obvious.

"My whole family does!" Edward argued.

"Yeah, but none of them are gingers. Meaning all of them but you have souls."

"What started all of this anyways?" he asked.

"YOU WERE FOUR CARS AWAY!"

"NO I WASN'T!

"YA HUH"

"NU UH"

"YA HUH"

"NU UH"

"This is boring."

"Yeah, let's just go now."

...

When we got to the waiting room, it was jam packed. Edward quickly counted the number of people.

"It's everyone in the school besides for Angela. She went home with your fiancé a little while ago."

"Lovely." I groaned. Just then I saw Billy wheeling in on his wheelchair and Jacob running behind him screaming "You're going too fast!" Oh jeeze.

"IsaBellyAche Goose. Let us proceed home." He instructed. I burped. Jacob farted. Edward started giggling.

...

When we arrived home the first thing Billy did was point his finger at me accusingly and say "GO TO SLEEP!" I nodded and ran off. Crazy lunatic. Going to sleep wasn't too bad cause I dreamed about Edward that night. YAY!

* * *

**So maybe it's not the cleanest story in the world... okay did I take it a little to far? If so, I apologize for raping your innocence. **


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